Puberty hit me very early. I started having pimples in the third grade. Three years later, my mother cannot take how my face looked like anymore and decided to take me to a dermatologist. Things improved after that, but it's always an ongoing struggle for me.
This January I had chicken pox. At 22 years old, too old already, right? I was scared the scars would not fade forever. However, the very opposite happened: my skin brightened up.
That was also a time when I was really happy, it's like my skin showed how healthy my disposition was inside. I was doing good with my job, I was always hanging out with friends, I felt very sure about the future. But, work stressed me out. It was about a whole month of living" in the office, just going home to take a bath and change clothes. Sleep was a dying commodity. I became emotionally affected, and my parents noticed. So they encouraged me to resign.
I did not do it right away. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. But, how could I possibly know if it was the right one? However, I knew my whole being was already affected by my work, so I eventually did it.
It was exhilarating to be free from all that stress. The first few weeks were very enjoyable: sleeping in, eating a lot, watching TV shows; all the things I wasn't able to do when I was employed. After a few more weeks, however, I started having ugly pimples again.
I did not do it right away. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. But, how could I possibly know if it was the right one? However, I knew my whole being was already affected by my work, so I eventually did it.
It was exhilarating to be free from all that stress. The first few weeks were very enjoyable: sleeping in, eating a lot, watching TV shows; all the things I wasn't able to do when I was employed. After a few more weeks, however, I started having ugly pimples again.
At first it wasn't a big deal. I've always had pimples, they'll fade away soon enough, I thought. Weeks passed and I still have those ugly marks on my face. They just kept coming. I realized these were times when I have become very confused and unfocused about my life.
These were really dark times, when I often questioned myself and looked to the future with a heaviness inside. It's hard being an adult without actually knowing how to be one. It's hard making decision for yourself that you know will affect your future immensely, and knowing that if ever you made the wrong one it's all your fault. It's a responsibility that's all yours; nobody else can be blamed for what has become of you.
Life felt very unsure. Maybe because I wasn't ready to stand up to a decision myself. Or maybe, I already had a decision, but I was scared that things wouldn't happen the way I imagined them to be. This was all very new to me; not the part where I decide things on my own, but the part where I could only blame myself. I am solely responsible for what happens to me.
They say that's the millenial's problem. Society kept on telling us that we can be whatever we want to be, we make our own destiny. But really, how does one do that? There is a pressure to live up to the status quo, and it becomes taxing for one to see that they're not actually becoming what they really want to be. Also, how about those who actually don't know what the really want to be? I really did not know what I wanted to do.
These are all questions that keep plaguing my mind. But recently, I have found that that's all they are: things inside my head. I can choose to dwell on problems, or choose to have inner peace.
Much like my struggle with pimples, the path to inner peace is a continuous one. I still have episodes of sadness and doubt, but ultimately, I see the light. And it shows. My face looks a bit clearer now, amid the scars from the pimple breakout that I recently had.
Ultimately, I believe healing is a holistic experience. It's something that happens from within, but manifests on the outside. As I said, my journey to achieve inner peace is still ongoing, but for now, the light is becoming brighter.
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