I'm a little sad again today, so I needed to write it out.
You know that feeling when you really like something but when you say so, a person you look up to doesn't quite believe in you? That's how I am with my father.
I thought I was already used to it. It turns out I'm not.
Maybe that's a major reason that I am not really "passionate" about something, or at least I don't try to show it. I do have a lot of things that I really really like, love even. I love Psychology (at least the theories part). I love art. I love fashion. But I don't really verbalize these things. My immediate family and close friends know these about me only because we spend so much time together that it shows. But I never tell them how much I love these things. I'm just afraid they will just laugh at me, or blurt out criticisms about me because of what I want. Which is exactly the case with my father.
Although I don't express much passion for certain things, I do talk about these. I have mentioned to my family multiple times that I am interested in becoming a psychological therapist and to pursue a career in fashion as well. For the therapist thing, my father usually retorts that I need therapy myself; for the fashion thing, he always says to find a stable job so I can do it on the side. Basically, he doesn't believe I can do either.
I know one should not be fixated on other's opinions of themselves, and I am not, usually, but sometimes one can't help but feel discouraged, especially if the criticism comes from someone you admire. It's good to believe in one's self, but sometimes one needs to be believed in, too.
To anyone reading this, I hope you become kind with your words, especially to the people close to you. You never know if you're already discouraging someone. Kindness and encouragement goes a long way.
Here's me saying I believe in you. Let's get through this together.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
almost healed thoughts
I have never had a flawless face in my entire life.
Puberty hit me very early. I started having pimples in the third grade. Three years later, my mother cannot take how my face looked like anymore and decided to take me to a dermatologist. Things improved after that, but it's always an ongoing struggle for me.
This January I had chicken pox. At 22 years old, too old already, right? I was scared the scars would not fade forever. However, the very opposite happened: my skin brightened up.
That was also a time when I was really happy, it's like my skin showed how healthy my disposition was inside. I was doing good with my job, I was always hanging out with friends, I felt very sure about the future. But, work stressed me out. It was about a whole month of living" in the office, just going home to take a bath and change clothes. Sleep was a dying commodity. I became emotionally affected, and my parents noticed. So they encouraged me to resign.
I did not do it right away. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. But, how could I possibly know if it was the right one? However, I knew my whole being was already affected by my work, so I eventually did it.
It was exhilarating to be free from all that stress. The first few weeks were very enjoyable: sleeping in, eating a lot, watching TV shows; all the things I wasn't able to do when I was employed. After a few more weeks, however, I started having ugly pimples again.
I did not do it right away. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. But, how could I possibly know if it was the right one? However, I knew my whole being was already affected by my work, so I eventually did it.
It was exhilarating to be free from all that stress. The first few weeks were very enjoyable: sleeping in, eating a lot, watching TV shows; all the things I wasn't able to do when I was employed. After a few more weeks, however, I started having ugly pimples again.
At first it wasn't a big deal. I've always had pimples, they'll fade away soon enough, I thought. Weeks passed and I still have those ugly marks on my face. They just kept coming. I realized these were times when I have become very confused and unfocused about my life.
These were really dark times, when I often questioned myself and looked to the future with a heaviness inside. It's hard being an adult without actually knowing how to be one. It's hard making decision for yourself that you know will affect your future immensely, and knowing that if ever you made the wrong one it's all your fault. It's a responsibility that's all yours; nobody else can be blamed for what has become of you.
Life felt very unsure. Maybe because I wasn't ready to stand up to a decision myself. Or maybe, I already had a decision, but I was scared that things wouldn't happen the way I imagined them to be. This was all very new to me; not the part where I decide things on my own, but the part where I could only blame myself. I am solely responsible for what happens to me.
They say that's the millenial's problem. Society kept on telling us that we can be whatever we want to be, we make our own destiny. But really, how does one do that? There is a pressure to live up to the status quo, and it becomes taxing for one to see that they're not actually becoming what they really want to be. Also, how about those who actually don't know what the really want to be? I really did not know what I wanted to do.
These are all questions that keep plaguing my mind. But recently, I have found that that's all they are: things inside my head. I can choose to dwell on problems, or choose to have inner peace.
Much like my struggle with pimples, the path to inner peace is a continuous one. I still have episodes of sadness and doubt, but ultimately, I see the light. And it shows. My face looks a bit clearer now, amid the scars from the pimple breakout that I recently had.
Ultimately, I believe healing is a holistic experience. It's something that happens from within, but manifests on the outside. As I said, my journey to achieve inner peace is still ongoing, but for now, the light is becoming brighter.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
thoughts about dreams
I just woke up and I was feeling some pain in my jaw. I looked in the mirror and found out that my lower jaw was slightly leaning to the right. It felt very painful so I told my father about it, but he just ignored me. I got around the house and was able to talk to everyone, but they all did not seem to notice the irregularity of my jaw. I went out of the house and noticed our front gate looked different, but I just went back in seeing nobody there. The pain got worse, and not seeing my parents anywhere inside the house, I went outside and saw a car pull up in front of our house. Suddenly, my relatives from the US came out - they were supposed to arrive tomorrow. That's when I knew I was in a dream.
It was scary when I finally realized that. I knew I had to wake up. Add to that, the pain from my jaw was definitely increasing. I tried closing and opening my eyes forcefully for the real me to wake up. Thankfully I did, albeit feeling very heavy and disturbed.
I couldn't remember the last time I had such a bad dream. Lately I haven't had dreams, even good ones, or maybe I just couldn't remember them. I believe everyone dreams every time they sleep, it's just not each time that one can remember it. I used to remember all my dreams. I dreamt a lot when I was in school, even during my class naps. They were all very pretty, too. Dreams are very fascinating for me - the way the scenes transition, the people involved, the places - all the elements blending in for one to feel them to be real, even if essentially, they aren't.
That's why the more real the dream, the scarier. You think it's true, but in reality, your asleep. It's scary to realize that you might get stuck in that dream world. It might be okay if the dream you're in looks great, and your real life sucks, but ultimately, being trapped in a dream is a whole other nightmare. Can you just imagine how horrible that would feel like? To forever be in a piece of fiction, when your mortal body rests somewhere, unable to do something productive.
But, dreams can be good, too.
Dreams can be a window to one's soul. In Psychology, dreams were a popular tool in uncovering one's personality, or at least in understanding one's current disposition. It's actually funny that I'm writing about this now, since I'm currently studying for the Psych boards and Freud and Jung are quite a big topic in Personality Psych, so I have just read thoroughly about dream interpretation. Although dream interpretation has quietly faded into the background as a tool in therapy, I still believe dreams can help in wanting to discover something about oneself. However, interpretation should be done by the dreamer himself - with assistance from someone else, if need be.
I've had some friends let me help them make sense of their dreams. Some dreams can really leave you puzzled or at least make you think, and you just need to get to understand it a bit to move on. Such was my dream earlier.
If I were to analyze my own dream, I would say the painful dislocated jaw was a manifestation of an internal dilemma. The state of my mind is giving me such a discomfort - which resulted to a physical discomfort in my dream. It was painful, and although I told everyone about it, they don't seem to understand. Well, much like how I try to talk to the people in my house about what's bothering me (which is a lot), they just disregard my concerns. In my dream I tried going out the house, which probably symbolized me wanting to escape from where I was, but seeing nobody there, I retreated back to the house - kinda like recognizing that I have no choice but to stay. When the pain increased, I tried to go out again, but then I realized it was all a dream. In the end, my dilemma wasn't solved, even just in the dream.
I think dreams are very interesting. I believe they're always trying to tell you something, trying to make you realize something, even something so superficial such as what you want to eat. A friendly tip: don't ignore your dreams. Especially the ones that stick to you, or ones that keep on repeating. It might help you understand yourself more. I am willing to help you, if you want! I'll be glad to help anyone with their dream dilemmas.
I'll also be glad if I get to get good dreams again - the ones in pretty colors, in pretty places, and with pretty nice people. I hope you and I will get them soon. For now, good night and sweet dreams!
It was scary when I finally realized that. I knew I had to wake up. Add to that, the pain from my jaw was definitely increasing. I tried closing and opening my eyes forcefully for the real me to wake up. Thankfully I did, albeit feeling very heavy and disturbed.
I couldn't remember the last time I had such a bad dream. Lately I haven't had dreams, even good ones, or maybe I just couldn't remember them. I believe everyone dreams every time they sleep, it's just not each time that one can remember it. I used to remember all my dreams. I dreamt a lot when I was in school, even during my class naps. They were all very pretty, too. Dreams are very fascinating for me - the way the scenes transition, the people involved, the places - all the elements blending in for one to feel them to be real, even if essentially, they aren't.
That's why the more real the dream, the scarier. You think it's true, but in reality, your asleep. It's scary to realize that you might get stuck in that dream world. It might be okay if the dream you're in looks great, and your real life sucks, but ultimately, being trapped in a dream is a whole other nightmare. Can you just imagine how horrible that would feel like? To forever be in a piece of fiction, when your mortal body rests somewhere, unable to do something productive.
But, dreams can be good, too.
Dreams can be a window to one's soul. In Psychology, dreams were a popular tool in uncovering one's personality, or at least in understanding one's current disposition. It's actually funny that I'm writing about this now, since I'm currently studying for the Psych boards and Freud and Jung are quite a big topic in Personality Psych, so I have just read thoroughly about dream interpretation. Although dream interpretation has quietly faded into the background as a tool in therapy, I still believe dreams can help in wanting to discover something about oneself. However, interpretation should be done by the dreamer himself - with assistance from someone else, if need be.
I've had some friends let me help them make sense of their dreams. Some dreams can really leave you puzzled or at least make you think, and you just need to get to understand it a bit to move on. Such was my dream earlier.
If I were to analyze my own dream, I would say the painful dislocated jaw was a manifestation of an internal dilemma. The state of my mind is giving me such a discomfort - which resulted to a physical discomfort in my dream. It was painful, and although I told everyone about it, they don't seem to understand. Well, much like how I try to talk to the people in my house about what's bothering me (which is a lot), they just disregard my concerns. In my dream I tried going out the house, which probably symbolized me wanting to escape from where I was, but seeing nobody there, I retreated back to the house - kinda like recognizing that I have no choice but to stay. When the pain increased, I tried to go out again, but then I realized it was all a dream. In the end, my dilemma wasn't solved, even just in the dream.
I think dreams are very interesting. I believe they're always trying to tell you something, trying to make you realize something, even something so superficial such as what you want to eat. A friendly tip: don't ignore your dreams. Especially the ones that stick to you, or ones that keep on repeating. It might help you understand yourself more. I am willing to help you, if you want! I'll be glad to help anyone with their dream dilemmas.
I'll also be glad if I get to get good dreams again - the ones in pretty colors, in pretty places, and with pretty nice people. I hope you and I will get them soon. For now, good night and sweet dreams!
Thursday, July 14, 2016
thoughts on local songs
I am extremely happy with the way the local music industry is progressing now. I'm not directly involved in it, whatsoever, but being a music lover, it makes me really glad that more and more people have begun to appreciate local music, especially the ones in other Filipino languages besides Tagalog.
Being Bisaya myself, I was ecstatic when I found out about Vispop. Based on my limited knowledge about it, it's an annual music competition for Bisaya songs, mostly from Cebu. I was already based in Manila because of my studies when this event started a few years ago, so it is a bit disappointing to have limited people to share my feelings about it. A lot of Bisaya songs have come out before this competition became a thing, but it was only through Vispop that I believe people of my generation became more interested in local Bisaya songs. Back in high school my favorite Bisaya song was "Ulipon sa Gugmang Giatay" (roughly translated as "Slave of Fucking Love") by The Ambassadors.
Credits to owner of the video: normancairo
It's unfortunate that I can't find the official song anywhere. I don't even know how old the song is now, I would say more or less 10 years old.
These days, Bisaya songs are more easily accessible. Vispop songs are everywhere, they're even on Spotify! I'm currently loving Von Saw and Aine Abella's "Imoha Ra Akong Kasing Kasing" (roughly translated as "My Heart is Yours Alone").
Credits to owner of the video: ArtistKo
Aside from accessibility, you can also see how the music evolved. Different sounds have entered into the scene these days, and it's a welcome change. And the change is not limited to that of the Bisaya music scene only, this has become a nationwide thing. A lot of independent artists and bands have conquered the music scene, and it has become very exciting. I especially like B.P. Valenzuela and Brisom, as of now.
All in all, I believe the Philippines is going towards a positive direction with regards to music.I hope more people, especially my countrymen, since Filipinos are quite the "self-judgers" as I'd like to call it, appreciate and support local music more.
Here's a Spotify playlist I made with the local songs that I like (and that I can find in there, since there are still a lot of great artists out there, like Sam Concepcion haha). Enjoy!
P.S. I know it's quite ironic for me to write a Pinoy music appreciation post using English. It's unfortunate that I am not quite good in writing in Tagalog, let alone Bisaya. At school we weren't trained to write in Bisaya, and the English language was more often encouraged, even compared to Tagalog. I believe that should change soon, though. Learning should first and foremost be done in one's mother tongue, so as to facilitate easier learning, since you're gaining knowledge immediately instead of processing another language first, and also to let one become more culturally-rooted and thus promote love for country.
Being Bisaya myself, I was ecstatic when I found out about Vispop. Based on my limited knowledge about it, it's an annual music competition for Bisaya songs, mostly from Cebu. I was already based in Manila because of my studies when this event started a few years ago, so it is a bit disappointing to have limited people to share my feelings about it. A lot of Bisaya songs have come out before this competition became a thing, but it was only through Vispop that I believe people of my generation became more interested in local Bisaya songs. Back in high school my favorite Bisaya song was "Ulipon sa Gugmang Giatay" (roughly translated as "Slave of Fucking Love") by The Ambassadors.
Credits to owner of the video: normancairo
It's unfortunate that I can't find the official song anywhere. I don't even know how old the song is now, I would say more or less 10 years old.
These days, Bisaya songs are more easily accessible. Vispop songs are everywhere, they're even on Spotify! I'm currently loving Von Saw and Aine Abella's "Imoha Ra Akong Kasing Kasing" (roughly translated as "My Heart is Yours Alone").
Credits to owner of the video: ArtistKo
Aside from accessibility, you can also see how the music evolved. Different sounds have entered into the scene these days, and it's a welcome change. And the change is not limited to that of the Bisaya music scene only, this has become a nationwide thing. A lot of independent artists and bands have conquered the music scene, and it has become very exciting. I especially like B.P. Valenzuela and Brisom, as of now.
All in all, I believe the Philippines is going towards a positive direction with regards to music.I hope more people, especially my countrymen, since Filipinos are quite the "self-judgers" as I'd like to call it, appreciate and support local music more.
Here's a Spotify playlist I made with the local songs that I like (and that I can find in there, since there are still a lot of great artists out there, like Sam Concepcion haha). Enjoy!
P.S. I know it's quite ironic for me to write a Pinoy music appreciation post using English. It's unfortunate that I am not quite good in writing in Tagalog, let alone Bisaya. At school we weren't trained to write in Bisaya, and the English language was more often encouraged, even compared to Tagalog. I believe that should change soon, though. Learning should first and foremost be done in one's mother tongue, so as to facilitate easier learning, since you're gaining knowledge immediately instead of processing another language first, and also to let one become more culturally-rooted and thus promote love for country.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
thoughts caught up
I haven't posted in a few days already.
I'm finding it a bit hard to start writing again after those many days of not doing it. Starting over again is not a great skill of mine; it's something I always have to work on.
So obviously it was hard for me to start studying again. The Psychometrician boards are coming up in less than two months, and I only just started studying last week. There's so much going on in my mind, all the worries and overthinking about how to go about in the next few months. Besides passing the boards, I also have employment and a Korean visa to worry about. The past days have become anxiety-filled, so I was glad to have been in new company the last weekend.
Well, new, but old. Old acquaintances and friends that I was able to reform a new connection with.
I met with my college friends on Saturday, and then with high school friends on Sunday. It was great to see these people again. I wasn't the social type at school, and these groups of people weren't my everyday crowd during those days, but we were all able to connect nicely and talk about our lives in a peaceful and empathic manner. I guess that's how maturity works. It lets you relate to people even when you have different experiences. It gives you empathy. I especially felt this with my college friends.
With my college friends I got to have people to share my chaotic feelings regarding adulting. It's so hard to be an adult and deal with life on your own. Finances are a daily need, but thinking about your future is a heavier burden. My anxiousness is especially because I haven't figured out what exactly I want to do with my life. It scares me that I couldn't imagine myself anywhere in 10 years.
A lot of my friends have already figured it out, and I'm stuck here, in my head, trying to think about how it would be for me. It was comforting to have people to talk to that actually understand your plight.
Though I said it's hard to live on your own, it's harder to be dependent again after living independently for some time. It's been a few months since I have been staying at home and just trying to keep my worries to myself. I'm currently staying with my parents, my brother, my grandmother, and an aunt while I'm unemployed. I try to voice out my thoughts on what I plan to do with my parents, but they disregard my feelings and focus on the plans part instead. It's hard to live with parents that don't try to at least hear you out. I'm okay with them not understanding my ideas, but it hurts when they don't even try to listen. I'm glad I have friends who do. Most of the time, when I talk about myself, I only need people to listen, I don't actually need advice, which my college friends were able to do when we met last Saturday.
The advice part, although unsolicited, I was able to get from my high school friends. I haven't seen a lot of these people in maybe six years. And these people I wasn't really close to in high school. But it was great to hear other people's opinions about life at this point. We have all matured and have set aside previous apprehensions and drama. We shared our plans (or the lack of it) for the future and shared what we thought could help each and every one of us to achieve success.
It was great catching up with these people. It made me fulfill my need to reconnect with others. Although right now I worry about my future, I was able to reconnect with my past, which I believe can help me towards my journey forward. Now that I caught up with people, I will already be focusing on catching up with my knowledge for the boards.
Wish me luck!
Friday, July 8, 2016
thoughts of love
I haven't really had a great love experience, but the little that I had provided me with enough material for the poems I did when I was in college. I thank Tumblr for being my artistic venue during my sad times. I'm sharing here a few of the poems I wrote back then, and I hope you get to feel from them.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
lost thoughts
so lost,
wandering.
my mind is wandering.
but,
my body stays -
doesn't want to leave,
doesn't want to do,
doesn't want anything.
how can i go?
how can i escape from myself?
wandering.
my mind is wandering.
but,
my body stays -
doesn't want to leave,
doesn't want to do,
doesn't want anything.
how can i go?
how can i escape from myself?
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